Response to Article: http://www.reuniting.info/karezza_four_easy_steps
Masturbating is bad, orgasm during sex is to be avoided, porn leads to unhealthy habits. How many of us would scoff at these type of statements? The article above points to some major elements that we assume we know and willingly practice about sex that in fact might be leading us to some very unhealthy behavior and an internal chemical addiction similar to what people externally face with alcohol or heroine. I don’t agree with everything this article states (as I’ll go into detail below) but feel the themes it promotes create a healthy mindset towards sex that isn’t focused on the release but on connection. When we focus too much on release we fall into the traps of addictive behavior.
Karezza sex is the practice of gentle sexual intercourse without the goal of orgasm. It is in the element of control of orgasm that man (this article and piece is written from a man’s point of view) can bring more satisfaction to his sex life and his partners by making sex last longer, increasing the flow of oxytocin in the brain (responsible for therapeutic bonding), and in general just be in control of his own domain where the release isn’t in control of him.
The release? Why is this so important. Well imagine what release means when the common person thinks about coming home from a long day of duties or work. They sit down and watch tv and let it think and talk for them, they have a drink or many (alcohol). They might eat their favorite snack. I would say probably something usually with sugar in it. They might overeat at a meal. They might over-train in the gym. They might take some pain killers or other prescriptions drugs to help them relax or sleep. For the more illegal drug user, they’ll come home and take a huge bong rip of cannabis. They’ll inject themselves with some heroine or prefer to take any other form that creates a “release” type feeling that they think about all day and salivatingly look forward to. It’s what gets them through their day that they can look forward to the release. Sounds all too easy and all too much of a practical solution. However, unintended consequences arise.
The scenarios above lead to weight gain, taxed adrenals and other hormones, feeling numb, sugar overdose (diabetes), alcohol/drug dependence substance abuse issues. Strained relationships with family and friends who don’t participate. Secret pursuits. Isolationary behavior. In our common view of drugs and what drugs do to you it is easy for a person to think that, yes, drug use is bad. However, what about overuse of coffee or eating too much sugar? It gets murky when other drugs that are legal and socially accepted escape our vision of negative drugs in general. However, even if it’s something seen as socially acceptable, or as healthy, the “release” behavior associated with going to the gym can still be just as unhealthy. Overtraining leads to break down of muscles, tendons, ligaments, overall injury and exhaustion and sleep deprivation, too much cortisol hormone in the body (natural pain killer), and an excess of free radicals in a person all which lead to eventual disease and feeling like shit. And the most unintended consequence of all is that no matter what you are relying on for release you will always need more of it to satisfy the same levels of whenever you originally started using release type behavior. Hence the drug overdose, the really obese person, the more tv that is watched, the more training, the new diets tried, new and stronger prescriptions, more and more drug dependence, more and more snacking of sugared foods, more numbing, more fatigue, and the list goes on and on. What is your “release” mechanism? We all have something.
With sex, especially from the male point of view, this is no different. The “release” which is most often portrayed as male ejaculation is advertised obsessively in the billion-dollar industry of porn. Women are portrayed most often as objects in that ultimate goal of male ejaculatory release. All worship is around the penis and sex begins with a male erection and ends abruptly with ejaculation. The idea of ejaculation and orgasm is provocative and passionate and exotic and filled with a high level of euphoric feelings. You think anything could potentially go wrong with that in how it’s sold to us?!?! Also with us living in a male dominated society it’s no wonder it’s so easy to sell. In turn we create a culture of men (and women) who go along with this advertised view. The penis is worshiped and ejaculation of men is the ultimate goal and women are just the by standers going along and helping this cause. Yes, there is porn that highlights these same effects in women and the same problems arise from this “release” type of thinking but with men it also comes across as patriarchal and chauvinistic in effect as so much power is associated with it. Men yearn for that release. They’re told to year for that release. Sex feels good. We want more of it. Unlimited amounts of a good thing is obviously good right? We want to have it as much as possible. Can we somehow make it into an ice cream flavor? Can it be put into a supplement? How can we get more of even in old age when our penis stops working. Viagra industry is booming. We want to masturbate as much as possible. It feels so euphoric. It takes over our mindset when we scan the internet. It takes over our mindset when we interact with women. It takes over our mindset when we engage in sex. Our partner turns into a person/object to satisfy our fix. We need the fix to feel good. Sex is suddenly not about the two people but about the one person getting their release. The fact that ejaculation happens so much easier with men than women also creates more power for men in this scenario. Eventually, we hunt down that release with ejaculation no different than if we were a heroine addict on the street looking for our next fix. It’s an obsession for substance as if we were starving and looking for food. Men can quickly turn into roaming sex hunters. It’s reinforced within us because men are supposed to be hunters right? We operate on a level that ejaculation is not only biologically the source of life but we are just doing what nature intended us to do and it is also the only thing that will make us happy. And upon getting what we want a moment of peace does come but it’s fleetingly gone within a few minutes (or even seconds) and only leads us to needing more and resentful feelings that we are in constant search of. Our brains adjust to this constant obsession and it is reinforced within us as well. Many people are not even aware this is an addiction. How do we overcome that of which we don’t know and, in actuality, is being sold to us or available free to us in large quantities at the click of a few buttons?
The author states that what worked for him was abstaining from masturbation for all but, at most, two times a month. I can see how this can work as eventually you’ll just forget about the urge to masturbate. I especially relate to this because personally I have never had a problem with masturbating and I often forget about it as well. I was into porn a little bit as a teenager but then it just seemed like too much work and fake and I have rarely engaged in it since. As an individual I am lucky as I don’t get lost in the release mindset with myself in this regard. However, with another person I suffer from the same effects as described above and looking at people as objects to satisfy my own “release” has been an issue I’ve had to greatly work on. For some reason, sex with others was put into a different category with me and chasing the “release” has taken me over at times and led to lots of negative behavior. Being aware of addictions has kept me from addiction but not being aware has led me right into it as this situation displays for me here.
With most people, though, I liken the approach of simply not masturbating to saying to the heroine addict, just stop taking heroine and you’ll eventually forget about it. I don’t think that simply not masturbating is going to work for most men. There has to be a definite intention there and harm reduction strategies applied that will meet people where they are at. If you are at a place of masturbating a lot then that’s where you need to start and go from. And I’ll contend that I don’t necessarily agree that there is only one approach to this in the form of just stopping altogether. Having been a sperm donor for years I was exposed to the science that masturbating once about every four days is ideal for your body to process the fluids out of your body that have reached maturity. If you don’t then the sperm dies within you and your body has to do away with the wasted product on its on. Not that anything horrible is going to happen to you if you don’t eject these mature sperm out of you but I do think that a release can be appropriate physiologically in order to keep up the cycle of what your body is naturally going through and producing. And in this sense, another ultra important thought process is applied and that is intent.
If we create intention for whatever it is we are doing then we operate from a place of control instead of being controlled. If we create intent that we are going to masturbate to create release and help our body out in its natural physiological sperm cycles then that can come from a place of health and is not dependent on our need for release at the end of some stressful day or situation. And more importantly, if we can do this with ourselves, then we can avoid bringing our partners into the mix with this behavior. We can focus not on release and penetration with our partners but with connection and bonding.
The focus of this practice (Karezza) is working with the mind in order to overcome addictive personality traits. If one wants to truly be free from addiction, it is not only in external chemicals that one should focus. I personally have made this mistake in the past and I’m sure I’ll make this mistake with other things in the future as I continue to try to improve myself and focus on health and growth. It is easy to think that something as special as sex is absent from anything addiction based except if it’s seen in exaggerated terms in the sense that people spend like hours upon hours having sex when other important thing in their life go ignored. Real addictions manifest themselves in ways that can be tricky for our awareness to actually realize what is going on in our brains with our motivations and outlooks. Your brain wants you to be comfortable and avoid pain but at its passive level it will often reactively push you in a direction of simple solutions to complex problems and thus rely on addiction. In a way, our brains are like over bearing protective parents. Our parents just want the best for us. Stereotypically, that relates to them wanting simple things for their kids like security, happiness, a good job, money, and a loving partner. If only it were that easy and if only most parents realized that over parenting and going forth with pressure to adhere to their perceived simple solutions often is doing more harm than good. Our brain is no different.
The benefits of bonding with another human being during sex is better than any ejaculatory release. It can last a very long time if you want it to. You relish in the oxytocin flowing through you that creates an environment where you are more likely to relate and bond to someone. You are in control and fully participating in a beautiful moment vs being controlled by your “release.” You become vulnerable and are in pure enjoyment of the other person vs focusing on yourself. Better feelings will always come when we focus on others and the connection that comes with that vs. being stuck in our own neurotic webs of our minds. How do we get out of our heads? How do we overcome addiction and our own brain’s short term solutions for problems? Ironically we have to use that same tool of the brain to overcome itself as where the brain naturally leads us is not often what is best for us. How can we observe what we are going through and then make judgments vs. blindly just going along with whatever our brain tells us to do?