What did I want from this trip?
Alex and I had an open relationship. We always had for the year we had been together, but it wasn’t until recently that he was actually taking advantage of it. I had taken advantage of it before, but the occurrences were few and far between. The open relationship had been stressed, for some time, due to the fact that Alex had told me he wasn’t in love with me, and that he could leave me for someone else. This was not a reassuring way to handle a relationship, however, recently that had all changed. Alex did admit that he was in love with me, and that he wouldn’t leave me for someone else. Though this was relieving and reassuring, it felt like the jealousies and insecurities had been left alone to fester and grow. Even with Alex saying such things like that, I still found myself jealous and scared. Thinking about this, and the fact that I now knew Alex was in love with me, I found the question I wanted answered.
Why do I need to feel jealous? Why did one choose to pick fear over love? I pondered over this, and eventually came to the conclusion that it was my choice to act the way I did. I had full control over whether or not I picked knowing that I was loved, or picking fear and jealousy.
This was probably the most important thing I brought back from the trip, even though it came in the beginning stages of it. Knowing this made me feel empowered. As I felt these emotions, I could start to feel the vibration of the music pick up. I sat down on the ground, and felt it move throughout the carpet and up into my body. This is was an interesting sensation, to say the least.
Alex put his arms around me, and I started to lose myself. My eyes closed, and my body relaxed as I started to see visions. When I closed me eyes, I saw Alex but as some sort of tree spirit. The bottom part of his body was a tree trunk, but his upper body was mostly human aside from the fact that he was covered in soft blond fur. The vision was filled with many blues and greens, and was a very calming and comforting image to behold.
My emotions started to go haywire when we began to have sex. I just wanted my partner to finish, but it was taking a bit of time. Suddenly, sound started to intensify. The water droplets hitting the bath became so loud, it was as if someone had just placed my ears next to a jack hammer, even though it didn’t cause any pain. Being a person who is sensitive to sound, I started to become somewhat frightened by hearing this. I wanted to speak up and tell Alex to stop, but I felt like I had lost my words. I could not bring myself to speak and express my needs to Alex, which normally wouldn’t have been a problem.
As we continued to have sex, my mind went into a mind state that was very disturbing. Even though I was having consensual sex with the person I’d been having sex with for almost a year, I felt almost as though I was being….”raped.”
The mixture of the extremely loud noises and overwhelming feelings made me feel like it was even harder to communicate. I could feel tears building up inside me, and I started to cry at the same time. Alex, confused, immediately put his arms around me and held me while I cried. Now that the experience had ended, I was able to communicate what I had felt. I felt embarrassed when I explained it to him, but he assured me that it was okay, and that I was going to be fine. He held me there for awhile, and my feelings started to return back to normal.
A few minutes later, I found myself on Alex’s bed with him and Mark. I can’t quite remember how the mental change happened, but I was in a depressive wave of thoughts. I started to feel like my life was meaningless, and that I’d end up having the same life that everyone else had. There would be little excitement in between the major landmarks I was “supposed” to hit. School, a career, marriage, children, retirement, death. What else in life could I do?
How could I escape this pattern and still live a “productive” life? These thoughts were extremely depressing for me, even more so because I didn’t feel like I had the ability to speak. I wanted to tell Alex and Mark that they didn’t need to be there, on the fact that their presence wasn’t really helping pull me out of this thought loop. (Not that it was making it worse) I managed to tell them that I missed Hawaii, and that was the end of what I could express.
Eventually, Alex and Mark coaxed me into getting off the bed and walking around outside. I was walking slowly. I wanted to be left alone to my thoughts. Going outside helped eased my mind state to the point that I could talk, but I didn’t really want to. As I walked, I looked up at the tree branches to see that my mind had turned them into a spider web pattern. The light from the streetlights highlighted the spider web branches, making the imagery even more beautiful. I could only turn my head curiously as I looked at them, still too trapped inside my own head to appreciate the beauty I was seeing.
I started to examine a tree that shimmered due to the rain that had just passed. I talked to him about how I felt like most people (including myself) were just trying to work through the muck of daily routine for the few blissful and beautiful moments that seemed too few and far between. I didn’t want life to be like this! I wanted beauty, I wanted transformation, I wanted growth! I didn’t want to continue to be stifled the way I felt I was, but could see no other way around it due to having to make money, having to work and having to go to college so I could wrap myself up into debt so that I could just get a career. How was I supposed to find what I wanted out of life when I had to put so much energy into things that didn’t seem like they mattered?
In retrospect, Though this trip was not enjoyable at the time, in hindsight it taught me a lot. The next day I went for a long walk in the spring sun, thinking about what had occurred that night. I realized that I had forgotten many beautiful things that I had in my life, and it certainly wasn’t as depressing as I had made it out to be. But it also influenced a good amount of change in my life. After that trip I worked harder to find meaning in my life, and not waste it away stuck in this routine. There was always travel, and there is STILL so much the world has left to offer me. I haven’t even experienced all the wonders I know I’m going to find, and plus, I haven’t even met half the people I will know in my lifetime. Though there ARE these unnecessary things to go through in life that don’t matter, there is still so much beauty and wonder in life if we stay open to it. During my trip I saw so many beautiful things, but my mind stayed closed to them because it was too caught up in its own thoughts to realize how much beauty does surrounds me at every moment.
As a final note, I’d like to mention that I learned that a bad trip isn’t to be feared. The next time I encounter a bad trip, if I do, I hope that I can see it as the learning experience it is and try to move past the difficult feelings I encounter.
Article above is summarized. Full Article can be found online here at https://erowid.org/experiences/exp.php?ID=77849