You cringe at knowing you’re going to taste the medicine. The stomach rumbles, the psyche starts to sweat, and the mouth begins to water as you lie in wait. It begs the question of if something can be a medicine if it tastes good? What kind of medicine would that be? One gets used to everything but I’m not quite sure if I’ll ever get used to the taste of Ayahuasca. You do learn to appreciate, however. To appreciate the taste of the attempt at improving yourself. To appreciate the taste of internal dives. To appreciate the taste of eventual purging. To appreciate the effort involved in taking on such medicine work. I can still hate it, but I am allowed to hate all of these things, despite continuing to walk forward to accept them. A joker like laugh escapes from me at the thought of the insanity it takes in order to become sane. You just keep walking despite the taste and despite it all. You just keep walking in life. Eventually it becomes easier to accept that which is coming to you. It gets easier to allow. It gets easier to swallow and then purge back out. It gets easier to have conversations with the deep reaches of your consciousness and the plant energy. That, after all, is what the medicine does. It shows you a world outside of space time. It shows you a world not defined by any practical limits of past, future, present, or rules that define the physical world we participate in every day. It shows you what you need to be shown. It shows you your evolution.
The plant approaches. It shows itself in my visionary space with a wave like dance. The plant glides towards me with something that looks like the arm and tentacles of an octopus arm. My whole vision space becomes blurry and nauseous instantly sets in. I start to feel purge moisture in my mouth building up as the plant’s consciousness is all around me. I go into total trance and am in a dream like state not knowing up from down or space from time. The only thing that makes it any bit easier is if I allow it to happen. Not allowing is a nightmare that only comes with a wrenching fight you will not win. I vaguely know that I’m in my body as I can feel my body moving in a circle with my hips as I’m in a seated meditation position. The circle motion keeps me at least somewhat grounded and makes it seem like I’m allowing energy to move in my body, otherwise I tend to resist. Everything is a total blur with visions setting in, as I sit in darkness. The effects get stronger and my subconscious starts to interact with the plant medicine consciousness.
I see shadows of sexy women’s bodies dancing in windows. I try to reach them but they elude me. The scenes are constantly changing in fragmented visions moving in mechanical scene changing ways. It appears very robotic and I wonder if they’re human. I wonder why I’m so attracted to the images but I can’t help myself. Whenever I get close to them they all shift in their mechanical ways and the whole vision moves to another scene as the same shadowed bodies appear dancing in other windows before the process completely changes in the same way again and again. I grow in attraction to the images. They are images I know well and it is not a mystery as to who or what they are seem to represent. I want to meet them. I want to experience with them. I want to feel their beauty and the comfort and connection I feel I’ll get from them but I can’t ever reach them and my grasping heightens. It is so attractive. I am blown away by the beauty I attribute to these women. There is nothing else I can focus on but the pursuit of these shadows dancing on the screen. I feel less than for not being able to meet them. The pursuit goes on, always shifting to elude me. My awe increases. The images appear so hip and cool but somehow it doesn’t feel real. All the shadows seem to have no substance but I can’t look away and I still pursue, despite feeling nothing. I want to create something out of the nothing and this is what creates feeling for me. By not getting met my feeling and drive heightens. I am feasting on my own sense of what I think is going on and what will happen despite experiencing or receiving nothing in return. The cycle is never ending. I spend a whole eternity chasing the attractive, dancing, shadowy women images. I see my life pass by and the effort I spent chasing energy that is eluding me. It turns into my life’s work and suddenly I am defined by it. I have no energy for anything else as it is all encompassing. Obsession has set in. I’ve put in too much now to turn my attention away. Why can’t I figure this out? I continue doing the same thing over and over and over and over with the same the same the same the same results. One of these days, one of these shadowy images will pay attention to me and I’ll be able to connect with something magical that I somehow feel should exist.
Eventually the images add flashy neon lights and lasers. The attraction grows. More sparkly superficial things appear. The energy is so sexy. It is impossible to look away and not be hypnotized. I am not allowing myself to look away. The shadowy women continue their dance and there’s one drawing practically my sole attention, while another is a supporting energy of the first but operating with a desperate energy as well to be noticed and take over my sole focus. Familiar faces and energy and looks appear on them. I can identify who and what they are. I can think of nothing else but of grasping at this energy, of experiencing the draw, of experiencing the desire and total union. I must have it. I wonder what happens when I get it? It must be pure bliss if it draws this much mystery and curiosity from me. These energies have me in a trance. It is an addictive like energy and nothing else seems to matter. I am defined by nothing else. The attraction takes over everything. I have convinced myself my life is defined by nothing else. I can’t look away. I can’t separate from the desire and attraction.
I’m on the side of a cliff now. I’m following the attractive energy to a mountain side. They’re still dancing but now I can’t see them as much. As I’m traversing the cliff, I notice there are a thousand spikes below and all around me. One misstep and I’m dead but somehow this makes it all the more alluring, all the more sexy. The deeper and closer I get the more sparkly colorful lights I see. It feels like some sort of rainbow orgasmic feeling. I get to a place where I see the women and their energy dives into the cracks. I’m not quite sure if I should go in as it’s a dark crevice. As I sit there waiting, the sweet attraction in the form of beautiful hands come out, pleading me to follow.
Two realities now start happening at once. One where I go into the crevice and one where I don’t. In the reality of where I went in, I get instantly sucked dry by energetic vampires. The grossness of the women inside is obvious. They are tormented souls looking for anything that will nourish them. The colors and visuals and sparkly things and shadows overall were hiding their true nature. The visuals were all a show. They absorb all of my energy, feasting on me, and the more I lose my energy the more I relate to their suffering and turn into them which is this wicked, Gollum from Lord of The Rings, type of creature. They are desperate, lurking creatures. It is not their fault but they know nothing else than the reality of feasting on others. It is sad. Sadness overwhelms me and it makes me want to give them my energy even though it will only be a short-term satisfaction for them. They want my manhood. They want my seed. They want to take it all and not reciprocate anything. They know nothing else and my sadness brings me closer to their darkness. My sadness is being used against me. It is obvious that I’m in an unsustainable energetic situation. I’m allowing it. The darkness is somehow sexy. The dance it took to get her, the infatuation, the obsession, the intoxication, and I give willingly knowing I’m being used. I feel like it’s my role to support the plight of others who need it more, who have led unfortunate lives and haven’t learned any better. It’s not their fault, the world is unfair. I am capable of love more than most so perhaps I can help these creatures. I can save them or maybe they’re actually saving me? It all gets so confusing at what is dark vs light or who is right or wrong and what is good or bad. My mind is starting to get warped by the interaction. I’m in the crevice home of darkness, of the tentacles of those that reach out and only absorb. They will take all that I possess and then blame me for not having more and I will blame myself for not having more. Sadness will motivate me to cater to always giving to these creatures and their pursuit of what the world can and should do for them. It is a self-defeating sickness. It is especially sad because it could be different, but these creatures are possibly in too deep, too used to absorbing all and know no way out as this routine as it has been ingrained in them for too long. This is a loving experience but it is only one way. I am completely drained, yet the attraction of the darkness and mystery and pursuit of connecting and helping these creatures while being obsessed with getting what I wanted was beyond my sense of self-control. It was so sexy and I willingly walked towards it like a robot not being able to pull away from the stimulation and desire of superficial stimulation and imagery and hope. I was lost in my head and expecting these creatures to cater to my own whims and desires of something they weren’t and then I got swallowed by compassion.
The other reality was me not going into the crevice. I looked around at all the spikes and realized this environment was my own death trap. I got out of the trance of the superficial shadow attraction and sparkly colorful things. I saw that these creatures were in the dark and covered by shadows for a reason. It was interesting to see what attraction lay for me in the dark and how I could become the dark, but it was ultimately not where I wanted to be. I had to step away from the mystery, from the dynamic allure, from the sexy moment to moment short term stimulation that had no substance. I had to step away from wanting to be darkness when I truly wasn’t. From how cool it felt. From thinking I could navigate anywhere and it will all be fine and that I could keep my center despite whatever I surround myself with. Finding something interesting and attractive doesn’t mean I have to experience. It doesn’t mean I have to cater and give it energy. It doesn’t mean I allow my sadness to overwhelm me and participate in sacrificing myself for others. It doesn’t mean I adjust to finding love and being content in the darkness. It doesn’t mean I have to be sucked dry because I have surplus love energy to go around. It doesn’t mean I should have to give to those who need it more. My whole life would be spent in a cycle of catering to these Gollum like creatures. Building myself up only to be depleted again. I would be their precious and them mine, always hoping it would be equal and feel better, but it never would. This would be my eternity. I would bond in darkness and turn into a lesser creature and dive deeper into a world of hating myself. I would thrive in self-sacrifice and keep feeding all those that wanted to insert their absorbing, energetic fangs. The cycle would continue forever and perhaps my soul would be buried forever. I could make a choice to not be this but it would require simply turning around when I felt this energy and I am not good at not walking towards darkness or stimulation.
Eventually, I climbed away from the crevices and the energies followed me and continued their dance as if thinking they could allure me back in. I continued to watch in attraction but somehow knew I wouldn’t follow them. I saw my life then go in a million different other energetic trajectory directions where I had amazing amounts of energy and helped an infinite amount of people, where I grew in energy interacting with others vs being feasted upon. It was a nice existence where anything was available for me to do. Living life in this way and the light was so much more nourishing. However, in the end, that dark energy still chimes in my mind. It still follows me. I allowed it in to a point where it will always still just be there and looming around, waiting for me to give it attention again, waiting for me to be curious and desirous and graspy at it again. The allure of the darkness is in me. It can be so sexy and mesmerizing, and it makes me FEEL so much. The pain and depression are horrible but outrageously attractive in how all-encompassing and all-consuming it is. It’s so enticing to want to give it all, to try and nourish it and see if you can capture and satisfy it, and to see if I can get something that doesn’t give to give to me. I’ll always feel like I can win it and get lost in fantasies about what it would be like to reign in this darkness energy and be possibly able to control it. Its eluding power is its power and the irony is that it wouldn’t exist if it gave me the attention I obsess over. I’ll always feel like I can help it, should help it, capture it, even though it is impossible to do so. This will forever be my work.
Coming back into “normal” U.S. culture and society since doing loads of Ayahuasca and traveling for many months and doing most anything rather than participating in superficial, crevice energy, I have realized that re-integration is much harder than facing your shadow. In the jungle you come out of your trances and you are in a therapeutic environment surrounded by Shamans and others doing similar work. You have time and intention to process what is happening. During re-integration it is just you. You are living out your Ayahuasca nightmares and when you realize you’re in them it is actually your life and it is only you now within a “normal” life. It is so easy to follow along in the nightmares that Aya showed you. It is so easy to keep following the alluring energies that don’t serve you because they are stimulating and it is so much easier to be passive in your life vs intentional and aware. Not participating in them means cutting the natural flow of energy. It means taking a step back and just moving in another direction and deciding to not give your energy to certain things anymore. If one can do this it is enormously empowering. It is the true medicine of the world and hopefully the purpose and end results of taking something like Ayahuasca.
I think this is why people go back so often to the jungle and medicine. They go home and keep participating in what Aya showed them to be unhealthy behavior and patterns. You need to go back to drink the medicine to experience more lifetimes of doing the same mistakes. How many lifetimes will it take before you learn how to truly transcend into something different? Aya can speed up that process dramatically.
Going back into one’s life into the same exact environments will produce instant challenges. They will be faced with similar crevice energy analogies as mine perhaps and I have to believe that often people will participate. This is not wrong as it is impossible to think we will instantly be cured to not go in the natural directions we went in the past. The difference is that when we go into those crevices this time and feel those same dense, negative feelings do we then react in the same way? Do we continue to feel that we are helpless and that there is nothing we can do, or do we feel those helpless energies again and then decide that things can be different? In theory we have better tools and overall perspective after taking medicine. If we can muster up the strength to be calm and sit with these feelings rather than instantly react to them then we have achieved a world of different perspective and experience.
The true work doesn’t happen in the jungle or in ceremony. That is just Aya showing you what you need to see in your shadow work. The true work happens outside of these places and in your day to day life. How can you actually achieve being different and changing, or will we forever be doomed to the never-ending pursuit of returning to the jungle and medicine? And in this way, any medicine could not be medicine at all and rather part of infinite, negative loop cycles. What does one truly have to do to embody healing and transcendence? I think deep down we actually know the answer. How do we stand for ourselves and healthily stop the reactionary, unaware loops?