—-All the shadows of women have no substance but I still pursue, despite feeling nothing. I want to create something out of the nothing and this is what creates feeling for me. By not getting met my feeling and drive heightens. One of these shadowy images will pay attention to me and I’ll be able to connect with something magical that I somehow feel should exist.
I go into a dark crevice and get instantly sucked dry by energetic vampires. The grossness of the women within is obvious but it is beautiful because they are finally showing it. They are tormented souls looking for anything that will nourish them. They absorb all of my energy, feasting on me, and the more I lose the more I relate to their suffering. They are desperate, lurking creatures and their desperation mixes with mine and my whole being takes it all on. It is not their fault but they know nothing else than the love of feasting on others. Sadness overwhelms me and it makes me want to give them more even though it will only be a short-term satisfaction. They want my manhood. They want my seed. They want to take it all and not reciprocate anything, or even know how to reciprocate anything. They know nothing else than consumption and my sadness brings me closer to their darkness. I’m allowing my sadness to be used against me. Somehow it is sexy. The dance it took to get her, the infatuation, the obsession, the intoxication, and I give willingly knowing I’m prostituting myself. I feel like it’s my role to support the plight of others who need it more, who have led unfortunate lives and haven’t learned any better. Jesus Christ model boyhood imprints. It all is a self-defeating sickness.
The allure of the darkness is in me. It can be so sexy and mesmerizing, and it makes me FEEL so much. The pain and depression are horrible but outrageously attractive in how all-encompassing and all-consuming it is. It’s so enticing to want to give it all, to try and nourish it and see if you can capture and satisfy it, and to see if I can get something that doesn’t give to give to me. I’ll always feel like I can win and get lost in fantasies about what it would be like to reign in this darkness energy and control it. Its eluding power is its power and the irony is that it wouldn’t exist if it gave me the attention I obsess over. I’ll always feel like I can help it, should help it, capture it, even though it is impossible to do so. This will forever be my work.
—-An alchemist needs led to make gold. Without being confused and having nothing, without having pain and turmoil, without having disruption at whatever we end up with that is not “perfect”, there is nothing to find. There is no self-actualization and hence no self-transcendence. What mountains of led are looming in your life? Do you want to become rich? How patient are you willing to be?
What is acting authentic? How much energy does it take to make something happen? Is being authentic using force, control and ultimately depleting ourselves to make something happen, or, is it rather using and responding to energy to recycle or upcycle itself in order to create more fluid, expansive states of being? Do you want to feel full or empty?
When passion, obsession, love come into the mind a control tendency tends to emerge. Of course we want to experience the highs all the time of such emotions that surge so powerfully through us. We want to control it! However, does this come from a place of insecurity perhaps?
How do we not get let down with love? How do we truly embrace change and represent an unconditional love that can be the only truly kind of love that can withstand the change that time inevitably brings? In this sense, it wouldn’t matter if the loves you strove for worked out or not because you would be an unconditional love warrior spirit and the way you danced through life would dictate more how you interacted with love rather than whatever people or jobs or situations came into and out of your life
—-To put into one writing all that happened over the last two months over the span of 11 Ayahuasca ceremonies and working at the Temple and the other deep immersion work done seems a bit overwhelming. If I were to sum up everything as quickly as possible it would be that I encountered: my families generational trauma which came in the form of vast anxiety and control issues, how I’ve failed to learn from the past, dealing with dense depression and sadness and my heart getting ripped open, healing from trauma in the past and learning from loving relationships, having my penis fall off and being forced to deal with intimate connection and my masculinity in a new way, learning how to protect myself from vampires and create boundaries and protection for myself in general, learning how to have gratitude for everything that I’ve experienced, recognizing that whatever triggers me is led that can be turned into self-awareness gold, truly moving on from old identities and getting beyond valuing my life solely in accomplishments, obligations, tasks and partnered love pursuits, learning how to shut the fuck up and embrace silence and my internal process, learning how to truly absorb inner peace and getting beyond judgements and expectations, really loving and seeing myself for the extremely fiery, energetic, mixed with silent, flowy water energy person that I am, who is positively steadfast, consistent in his authentic turtle-approach, curious, loving, and in constant pursuit of self-awareness. I learned how to get out of my mind and be more in my body. I learned how to meditate and to focus on my breathing. I learned how to let things die. I learned how to be re-born and better invest in positive people and energy. I went beyond my reality model by not believing in all the old stories for a change and then came back again to something more real and truthful. The phrase, “you’re already dead, what’s the difference?” was an extremely funny, blunt truth, shinning force for me that gave me confidence and energy to truly allow myself to live, to rest, and accept the life/death ride in whatever comes up. Because what’s the difference in the end where life ends or begins? What does it matter? I could be already dead so then what? The feeling is so comforting as it takes away so many life pressures of accomplishment and allows for stillness, lightness, restfulness and a true creative trajectory of energy to be absorbed and practiced. I’m already dead! Yah thank god!
—-Many of us have control issues which can hijack the entire experience in the name of needing to “do it right” or following the idea that more of a good thing is better. Such people, however, are particularly lost in their mind and disconnected from their inner guidance system. They will read words like “surrender” and “trust” and “listen with your heart” and “engage” and “vulnerability” but not have a clue what they mean and will wrack their analytical brains trying to find the correct algorithm to execute, and despair easily because they don’t feel they are “doing it right” and continue to blame things outside of them. In these scenarios, it is useful to speak with a guide who has experience and EMOTIONAL AWARENESS.
Just lying there, breathing deeply and saying ‘do your thing, lover, I am open, I am ready to give up “doing” and to be present to this experience”’ is the best thing you can “do”. “Turning towards” and “allowing” what is happening while breathing is the process involved in laying the seeds of change, empowerment, awareness, vulnerability, love, etc.
Ayahuasca is a relationship, a spiritual communion guided by the heart. She sometimes tells you what you need to hear for the growth of your spirit, even if it is not the literal or absolute truth. Such a relationship requires ENGAGEMENT AND PARTICIPATION. Below here are just a few ideas for positive or healthy ways to engage in any relationship which can be applied to Ayahuasca. This is only meant to disarm unhelpful ways of relating and stimulate the parts of you already relating healthily to go deeper in that direction.
—-As I sat rolled up and face down in a ball of despair on my mat during an Ayahuasca ceremony a vast darkness loomed over me. My stomach was turning with absolute anxiety. Morbid visions of demented faces occurred in my mind’s eye. While a perfectly wonderful and happy song was playing a tsunami feeling of anger and hurt and being triggered through love and past love connections was taking a heavy load on my heart. How I’ve “failed” others and punished myself because of it. How others have “failed” me and how I’m punishing them or punishing myself for why it didn’t work out.
Ayahuasca medicine exposed this weakness and darkness to me. My heart will literally die sooner in my life if I don’t change. I tried to escape it while sitting on my mat. I tried to become smaller and hide further hoping that somehow I could just burrow my head and be forgotten into the ground. In my uncomfortable crouched position my feet, legs, and hips all fell asleep as I knew I was inflicting pain on myself. I was pissed and angry that I had to move. That I had to act in life. That I had to take accountability for why I was feeling all of these things. The pain in my lower body was getting so great and starting to compete with how I have “failed” myself and others in life. The negative mental loop cycles were having no mercy on me. The anger and resentment was at a peak and then the break came. I had to understand a new realization about love and attachment in my life. I had to partake more in emotional honesty about what and who I was and how I wanted love to be enacted coming from a healthier place vs always leading to self-hate, insecurity, and reactionary trauma freezes. I started to move. The tingling pain was unbearable. It took forever for me to get my feet on the ground. It felt like I was re-birthed and learning how to walk again as a new era of a more mature love and connection had now arrived.
—-Being human is hard, painful and confusing and of course we want to make it easy, painless and comprehensible. The antidote fantasy spirals out of control for that quick-fix, for the angelic portal and the cure for the condition of being human; pain, darkness, boredom, emptiness, meaninglessness. When we find something that seems to work, we have an incredible “Eureka” moment and cling to it desperately, repeating it obsessively until reality catches up with us again and the “solution” works less and less and then are in need of a new “antidote” that makes us feign and itch for that next fix that starts the cycle all over again. How many times in our lives will you have “found it” before you realize that perhaps something is ultimately alluding you?
Awe-inspiring drugs which travel from the market place to your bloodstream at the speed of advertising and tweak instantly almost any parameter of being human fully symbolize the antidote fantasy. They sling-shot you into other dimensions, short-circuit a psychotic episode, deliver you from flesh-eating bacteria and get your dick hard under any circumstances. These “solutions” give substance to your life. They give meaning to how you can avoid pain and receive pleasure. They allow you to rely on something outside of yourself. They allow you to disassociate from your own healing and feel taken cared of. You can tune out what is uncomfortable by tuning in to consume what we suggest will make you feel good as feeling good is the same thing as being fulfilled in life. Feeling pleasure is the same thing as being satisfied, whole and connected. Feeling good is healing. Feeling good is meaningful. All of this is taken for granted and seems to make as much sense as your first name
—–You spend your day constantly inundated with exciting solutions; ORGASM, NOSEJOB, SPARKLY THINGS. The day continues, your idle moments spent on FACEBOOK, INSTAGRAM, SPAPCHAT comparing yourself to others, getting depressed you aren’t doing more, and branding your life to make it look cool. But social media is real right? Unfortunately, very far from the truth. Most of the time, nothing can be deduced from social media except for what kind of mental health issues, insecurities, projections, false senses of selves people are dealing with. Authenticity is rare. Actually, it is rare in real life as well as no one wants to be found out for who they really are. Social media and orgasms and nosejobs more often than not keep us in the throes of our own anxieties and neurotic thoughts. More and more we cater to the behavior and reactions that perfectly fit an algorithm. The algorithm is spit back to us and we continue to react. The algorithm keeps adjusting till it gets better at making us notice, distracting us into thinking we ought to live our life a certain way. Is this not the first generation of artificial intelligence? The algorithm comes from us but it controls us in our passive lives which then controls us in our active lives. It takes work for the algorithm to not define us.