8/18…..Sitting with Dense Negativity

—–The stimulation of intensely feeling something makes me feel like I exist.  Somewhere along the way, a darkness crept into this stimulation pursuit. I often can attach myself to negativity because in it I see the potential for the most growth, for the most stimulation to occur.  The cliché is more pain equals more gain, or even “Jesus died for your sins.”

I grasp for the ultimate growth but the pure negativity exposure at times has conditioned me more. The pattern continues until depletion and exhaustion sets in.  Habits and addictions are hard to break, and I’ve felt out of control with this loop pattern of thought.  It has reached breaking points, where I felt my mental state cracking and I’ve noticed trauma response setting in at times or even a natural incentive build for not wanting to experience life anymore.  If I had a pressure valve it would almost be to a state of blowing up the pressure cooker.  I don’t want to end up always constantly chasing stimulation.  I don’t want something like achievement of the ultimate good, or boredom to be the cause of me reaching for the negative.  There is only a certain amount of pressure that is healthy to be exposed to.

The rabbit energy in me is afraid of missing out!  And it treats me likes shit and in no way that I would ever dare of treating others.


1/16…LSD Creativity Battling Depression

—-The medicine allows for me to feel as if I create my own maze in my daily life. What do I wake up and subject myself to in order to succumb to the pressure of feeling that I need to do this or have to do that? I’m not saying this feeling is altogether horrible but when it’s taken out of balance and that’s all you’re exposed to day after day it can easily have negative affects. We are capable of breaking out of these depressing routines and LSD brings us back to a balanced state by being exposed to looking at the world in a fundamentally different way…