—–The stimulation of intensely feeling something makes me feel like I exist. Somewhere along the way, a darkness crept into this stimulation pursuit. I often can attach myself to negativity because in it I see the potential for the most growth, for the most stimulation to occur. The cliché is more pain equals more gain, or even “Jesus died for your sins.”
I grasp for the ultimate growth but the pure negativity exposure at times has conditioned me more. The pattern continues until depletion and exhaustion sets in. Habits and addictions are hard to break, and I’ve felt out of control with this loop pattern of thought. It has reached breaking points, where I felt my mental state cracking and I’ve noticed trauma response setting in at times or even a natural incentive build for not wanting to experience life anymore. If I had a pressure valve it would almost be to a state of blowing up the pressure cooker. I don’t want to end up always constantly chasing stimulation. I don’t want something like achievement of the ultimate good, or boredom to be the cause of me reaching for the negative. There is only a certain amount of pressure that is healthy to be exposed to.
The rabbit energy in me is afraid of missing out! And it treats me likes shit and in no way that I would ever dare of treating others
—-Over the past years, I have liked less and less hearing my own voice and participating in this constant nonstop talking social norm. I value a lot more people who I can feel comfortable being in silence with or people who just bring about a relaxed presence. I crave stillness, meditation like energy, and calm more than I used to. Words being just “noise” is not the only thing we should rely on. Rather, the “sound” incorporated in the meaning of language, and words that are thought out would probably produce less talking overall. People who don’t understand this usually end up de-railing any conversation or sharing a funny story pertaining to something about themselves and never bringing it back to what was originally being talked about. They don’t listen to others and might as well be talking to a wall.
This era of my life where I’m seeing this more and how words can easily just fill of space for me is exhausting to participate in and be around. You can’t really tell people to shut up and people will think your weird if you don’t talk. I guess the point here is to not hang out with such people but it’s hard because it’s not something a lot of people tend to grasp, but it has led me to be way more selective in who I spend my time with.
Relating to Spanish, my reaction to speak less in English can negatively affecting my learning process to try and speak as much as I can in Spanish. I’m having to re-train myself for when I start talking to someone in Spanish to not just say a few things and then move on, but rather, try and ask and say as many things as possible! Ha! Now I’m that person blabbing away, and not only blabbing away but speaking in crazy broken language and not really understanding what is being said back to me. Can you see why this is such a humbling experience? I’m having to push through my own annoyance level of what I don’t like in terms of language and talking and having to actually embody those elements in order to learn. And in a way this all makes sense. Me being a foreigner and not understanding language is a lot like being that annoying person who doesn’t really know how to communicate.
—–Normally I don’t do birthday reflections but 35 is a very symbolic age for me. Particularly because being someone who used to be paid to play sports it was the age that you’d talk about in the way off future for contemplating retirement! Since giving up on my professional athletic pursuits many years ago, I’ve tried heavily to move in a direction in my life that hasn’t focused primarily on my physicality. I always wanted to be defined more than how my body performs, and my physical whims and desires. I wanted to be smarter, more balanced, and able to grasp emotional and intellectual intelligence, as relying on body just seemed shallow overall. However, you grow up knowing and learning and acting in whatever way was exposed to you, and the process over the years can at times be very slow as it’s hard to change directions where your body and mind naturally go for processing and reaction and maturity. Our lives go in direction of various energetic surges and then one day we wake up and think about where we’re at and how that’s either where we want to be or not. I’m happy that I’ve never sold myself out, even though there were moments when I almost didn’t see a way out and had trouble believing in myself, and gave into darkness. I feel like now I can see the horizon of a new level of existence that’s more honed around the deeper, more authentic aspects of life that I feel drawn to and want to incorporate. Trusting your gut instinct and keeping confidence in the dark valleys are hard but they are more likely to land you in eventual good spaces. And most importantly of all, surrounding yourself with positive people and those you admire and who are healthy is the best thing you could ever do. The people you surround yourself with reflect who you are more than most other things. Thank you to all of my friends for being that presence in my life. You know who you are. So here’s to the next era of life where a more authentic, emotionally processed and capable and mature person is trying to vehemently form. This is just the end of the beginning intro to life and not unlike a caterpillar turning into a butterfly. Now let’s swing upside down!
—-We often think of “I” as that which goes on with us internally with our attitudes, moods, feelings, emotions, thoughts, bodily sensations, etc. We can also think of “I” through a filter of some theory, idea, memory, belief, etc. Being limited by either of those default places we associate with “I” doesn’t allow us to investigate the full potential available in being human both internally and externally. We want to be a powerful “I” that encompasses all and can grasp what we originally considered to be out of our reach. We want to expand upon the whole world in a different way. We want to get out of our “default orientation” so that we illuminate, vs. limit, what we encounter day to day.
—-Unattachment in love is purely the ability to love someone freely. Both people are able to come and go at will, without ever feeling like there is an expectation for a specific set of behaviors or timelines. Communication and expression and holding space and intersecting your empowered life with your partner’s empowered life and moving on from there is the foundation of unattachment love.
In order to truly love someone this way we have to first name and sit with our wounds; our fear of abandonment, rejection and whatever else we have been conditioned, since birth, to expect from a relationship. Once we can do this work for ourselves, it doesn’t suddenly end, but rather becomes easier to navigate unattachment. We understand that our feelings don’t have to do with the other person, but with ourselves.
Unattachment simply means that we are choosing to love in a mindful way.
Original Landmark passage can be found here…http://landmarkinsights.com/2016/08/the-power-to-choose-is-uniquely-human/