8/18…..Sitting with Dense Negativity

—–The stimulation of intensely feeling something makes me feel like I exist.  Somewhere along the way, a darkness crept into this stimulation pursuit. I often can attach myself to negativity because in it I see the potential for the most growth, for the most stimulation to occur.  The cliché is more pain equals more gain, or even “Jesus died for your sins.”

I grasp for the ultimate growth but the pure negativity exposure at times has conditioned me more. The pattern continues until depletion and exhaustion sets in.  Habits and addictions are hard to break, and I’ve felt out of control with this loop pattern of thought.  It has reached breaking points, where I felt my mental state cracking and I’ve noticed trauma response setting in at times or even a natural incentive build for not wanting to experience life anymore.  If I had a pressure valve it would almost be to a state of blowing up the pressure cooker.  I don’t want to end up always constantly chasing stimulation.  I don’t want something like achievement of the ultimate good, or boredom to be the cause of me reaching for the negative.  There is only a certain amount of pressure that is healthy to be exposed to.

The rabbit energy in me is afraid of missing out!  And it treats me likes shit and in no way that I would ever dare of treating others.


1/16…Stress and Body, Lecture 1

—-The solution to avoiding chronic stress is not exactly in the homeostasis of balancing out one part of the body but in the allostasis response of balancing out the whole body. If you get stressed like a normal mammal, you better be capable of turning on your stress response to deal with it. If you get stressed like a psycho-socially, sophisticated, human being, you are constantly going to be paying the price of dealing with chronic stress being activated. It is as human as cooked food.