—-In order to understand what the self is, we have to remember that it doesn’t need to remember anything in the same way we don’t need to know how to work our thyroid gland. It just is. When we die, we don’t have to put up with everlasting non-existence because that’s not an experience. The yoga and the way of realization is trying to imagine what it would be like to go to sleep and never wake up. Something happens to us when we think about this. A realization appears of finding out what it was like to wake up having never gone to sleep. That was when we were born. Having an experience of everlasting nothingness doesn’t abide by nature. We are constant energy swirling around, sometimes landing in containers such as bodies.
This organism of you/us, is a continuous energy of and around everything else that’s going on. However, we have this idea that instead of being the sun, we are just something in the sun, but that’s just a joke. This is the ego. It is nothing else than the focus of conscious attention. It’s like the radar on a ship exposing if anything is in the way of whatever demands and focus the ego has. Conscious attention is a design of the brain to scan the environment like a radar and look for any trouble-making changes. If we identify ourselves with our troubleshoots than we define ourselves by being in a perpetual state of anxiety. The moment we cease to identify with the ego and become aware that we are the whole organism we realize that it is all one beautiful being, we are one magnificent container and beyond. What is discord at one level of your being is harmony at another. We suddenly realize that everything that we are and do is at this level, at this equal level, as magnificent and as free of any blemish in the patterns and waves of whatever we experience.
—-My repeating statement dyad work for this first evening was, “I am willing to refrain from holding on, believing old stories of love and connection, and letting sadness overwhelm me.” At first it is incredibly nerve-wracking to be staring into the eyes and doing this with somebody else but then after the first 30 seconds feelings settle. I gradually lost the sense of feeling judged or like I needed to perform or say the ‘correct’ things. A feeling starts to take over that I’m just being witnessed, which feels incredibly good. I go from allowing ‘the other’ to form whatever it is I’m thinking and doing and where a nervous, distracting, unauthentic energy comes about, to a feeling where I’m relieved I can express what I am and that somebody is not judging me which makes me feel cared for and nurtured and actually ‘normal.’ Then, almost instantaneously, a sort of relaxed trance sets in. I feel sensations in my body of where those denser energies are kept and where it moves. It zaps all around to my brain, gut, heart, feet. I have a sense that it doesn’t want to be exposed so it’s trying to hide, but wherever it goes, as I utter the next repeating statement, I know exactly where it is and how it’s making me feel. Eventually my gut breath takes over and I can feel the incredible support I have for myself with deep belly inhales. My belly feels like my support for all of my energy, of all the light and dark that is residing in me. It all is encompassed within the container of my gut. I have stability. My eyes lose their intensity and I’m just ‘being.’ Vision sort of goes in and out. I still am staring at the person across from me but I’m in my own body completely and I might not even see them or maybe their face distorts. Nothing feels intimidating, all of my sadness and my stories that made me nervous upon starting the dyad have melted. The feelings have stopped trying to hide in my body as they are just simply within me now. With each repeating statement the feeling gets more and more squishy and relaxed and real and like I am truly capable of knowing how to stay at or get to this state. As the timer rings, I gently come back, but actually I am not really coming back from anywhere. I am already there. This state is already me. I don’t have to be defined by anybody or anything but merely just witness the light and dark in the whole container. Nothing has to hide from myself and I can alchemize it. I can breath and use my belly breath for support and keep most of my energy internal. I can do this. I can be in a stable, relaxed state of presence, openness, and acceptance. I feel like something in me has awoke. It feels so nice to allow myself to just be.
- I vow to always see me and be me
- I vow to vibrantly dance as much as possible in body felt, confident, honest flow
- I vow to be kind and gentle
- I vow to be more present and listen to the intelligence in my heart and body
- I vow to not get stuck in or give meaning to my mind and simply to observe it in meditation and stillness
- I vow to never give up on me and embrace the smile that wants to exude from my heart as nobody else is responsible for that
- I vow to keep challenging myself and never stop learning and teach others what I learn
- I vow to embrace change and not give into fear and ‘grasping’ behavior for what I want in life.
- I vow to not feel like I need to prove myself or compare myself to others
- I vow to walk towards embracing giving and receiving unconditional love
—-Be a warrior of gentleness, kindness, patience, and vulnerability in regard to fear. Set aside the path of aggression when dealing with fear. It is not the enemy to engage in imaginary spiritual battles with. Invite it to sit next to you. Fear longs to be known and paid attention toand harboring the greater landscape of love toward your fears allows the power of love to positively affect fear. Fear is more like a child of love and love would never turn from any of its children, including the temporary, wavelike child of fear. When fully seen, met, engaged, and safe passage provided, fear is able to reveal itself and is no other than a form of love in disguise.
There is a ‘gold’ offered in unconditional love that I’m learning to harbor and shine forth. It’s a love connection that blurs the divide between giving and receiving. Where does my body end vs where does the other’s start? My mind is not really my own mind anymore and the feeling prevails that it’s not really about me in my life. It is not about what ‘I’ can get anymore as I move away from the me, me, me mentality. Communicating and being in our ‘being’ with whatever it is we are doing produces outrageous amounts of stress-free living, connection with others, and expansive benefit to ourselves and all those we surround ourselves with. Harboring true intentions of actions related to expressing love and nurturing for the other is where the magic of unconditional love comes from. It takes the control out of it. It takes the standardization out of it. It takes the expectation and resentment out of it. It allows us trust and surrendering to fully make up a loving connection as truth and growth is at the center of it and we feed off each other and it is obvious what we are experiencing.
2/18…..Practicing Self Love
—–Everything is a reflection of how you treat yourself. Give yourself the love and attention that you have not learned how to give yourself up to this point. Love your own heart.
One of the biggest manifestations of violence that we can see in the world is actually the silent violence we give to ourselves, the internal dialog, the things we tell ourselves. So sit down, take the time to clear your mind and connect with your breath and actually really hug yourself and relentlessly tell yourself “I love you, I love you”. Recognize all this yearning shadow as your inner child looking for your attention, longing for your attention, just wanting to be loved. Embrace yourself completely and radically accept you as you are, “I love you, I love you”, keep repeating, “I love you”.
Self-love starts with something crucial. It begins with a radical acceptance of who you are. Completely, with all your shadow, with all the aspects that you do not want to show to anyone, with all our addictions and dysfunctionalities, with everything, all the things that we don’t like to project, all the things that we reject about ourselves, all the things that we feel ashamed of showing.
If you recognize that love is what you are seeking in the core of your life experience, then declare your only interest to shift your point of awareness from abiding in the mind to abiding in the heart. Any time you find yourself feeling in a way that feels uncomfortable to you, instead of thinking about what you think it represents, just simply bring your attention to the heart and be interested in feeling what you are feeling and not thinking about it. The more times you simply bring attention into the heart, just to feel your experience and not think about it, the more your body will actually open up
1/18…..A Love Interpretation
—–There is a yearning for stimulation. The life wave comes from these still waters. Water reaches its full potential to move towards energy. It starts forming itself with other waves. The unity is wondrous. It bounces off the sea cliff beneath it or gets swirled around in wind. The perfect unity creates power. It creates buildup. It creates a peak in energy. It creates a unity of waves. They work together. Nothing can be better. Creating a wave is one of nature’s simplest gifts. There is a love dance. All entities are engaged, fully absorbing of how to become better. Expansion is obvious. Rising ever higher to something that not even the waves know but they keep working together nonetheless. You don’t question it. You fully absorb this magnificent creation. You fully embrace it. You don’t let anything stand in the way of the march towards an obvious, elusive goal. It is energy intensive. The stillness and focus from before this stage gives you strength. You push forth and seem to understand the reason and need for existence. It is this feeling. It is catering to this obvious flow, this obvious push. How could it be any other way? Was it ever any other way? This is a high beyond highs.
Love is created to fulfil nature and the collective consciousness. It is created to make life go on. Even though we experience it, it is not created solely for you. You are a small part of it to feel it in surges at times. Feel the surge and totally absorb it but don’t get stuck on it. Don’t get stuck on the peak wave. It is just as crucial to yearn for creating the stillness, for the creating the opposite of those surge love moments, as those are just as much a part of love as the peak wave. Allow others to find love because it is your love. Single felt love contributes to the greater love. Allow the grip of peak love to be let go of. Allow the jealousies of your own stimulated love to be let go of. Allow the body stimulations to be let go. It will come your way at various moments again and then it will be gone as your turn is up and nature needs you to perform another role in the love cycle. Others will experience your love. Others will experience the love of someone you loved. The cycle of love keeps creating itself. It is ever manifesting. Limiting others in love is limiting yourself in love. Get beyond the glass ceiling and truly expand…
—–The climax of orgasmic sex on the brain is the biggest blast of neurochemicals that you can engineer for yourself. When researchers looked at brain scans of ejaculating people they looked just liked the brain scans of people shooting up heroine. There is something referred to as the “pleasure trap” that gets people in trouble that can be applied here to orgasmic sex. How can we avoid the pleasure trap as the search for constant, new stimulation can easily be a downward spiral for people to easily become addicted to and resentful overall at others for not meeting their impossible pleasure needs?
Our bodies have two programs running. One is the mating program which is all about mating and dopamine seeking and passion filled, orgasm producing and off spring producing and separation with your partner producing. This program allows you more to experience bonding with the experience of orgasm and “getting off.” It is a gene expression to combine with as many other mates immune systems as possible to allow genes the best possibility to survive. The other program taps into neural receptors that allow you to experience bonding with the person as we are one of the few species that have developed the brain capacity for falling in love and pair bonding. Karezza sex taps into that second programing. It includes having lots of intercourse. Mostly gentle intercourse that is not orgasmic goal driven. It includes making love in waves which includes getting aroused and then calming back down. We evolutionary respond to signals that allow us to pair bond and they all evolved from the same signals that keep mammal care givers attached to male infants. In human lovers these slightly altered same signals are often referred to as “attachment cues” and include smiling with eye contact, skin to skin contact, gazing into each other’s eyes, kissing with lips and tongues, holding and spooning each other, wordless sounds of content like “oh and ah” sounds, stroking, hugging, massaging, licking and kissing body parts, gentle intercourse, etc. These kinds of signals deliver a soothing message to the primal brain of the amygdala for lowering our defenses and makes us feel safe, gives us psychological calm, and overall increases love connection and pair bonding.
1/17…..Being Capable of Great Sex
- They say “I love you” everyday and mean it rather than saying it in passing or as a common goodbye parting of sorts.
- They kiss each other spontaneously and passionately for no reason at all (like about a 6 second kiss).
- They give each other surprise romantic gifts and compliments on a regular basis.
- They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. They have a love map of their partners erotic world.
- Their physically affectionate even in public.
- They make it a priority to keep playing and having fun together. Fun can usually be the first thing to go as relationships passively head into the future.
- They cuddle often as cuddle and kissing is the gateway to great sex.
- They make sex a priority (perhaps scheduling it) and not just by default at the end of the day when all else is done and tiredness sets in.
- They stay good friends.
- They can talk comfortably about their sex life.
- They have weekly romantic dates, and the focus of conversation is most often not on day to day tasks or other practical matters.
- They take romantic vacations.
- They turn towards their partners bids or connections (they acknowledge their partner’s communications and respond in an attuned manner to them).
- Having high expectations for going into relationships and expecting to be treated well with love, affection, kindness, generosity will bring about those things. Having less than high expectations will also bring about less than ideal relationships.
- Channeling your anger and resentments in a respectful way is a must. Taking responsibility as the speaker and as the one expressing, for how you come across, is very important. Masters soften the way they start talking about problems and edit themselves. They’re considerate, they’re kind and gentle, they take responsibility for even a small part of the problem, overall paying attention to their partners defensiveness which minimizes it. How the first 3 minutes of a conversation about conflict goes predict with 95% accuracy how the conflict will end up.
- A 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative within a discussion related to conflict. This is how many seconds are dedicated to being nice to each other, being interested, asking questions, being affectionate, empathetic, laughing together, being curious and amused, etc. (positive) to how many seconds they are being hostile, defensive, angry, disappointed and hurt, etc. (negative). When not in conflict that ratio goes up to 20 to 1!
- Except and embrace the differences of your partner but also try to change to become better for yourself and your partner. There needs to be obvious movement in both direction.
- Research proves that partners who were in happy relationships received their partners attempts at connection 85% of the time.
- If only trying to fix conflict in a relationship, the positive changes won’t last. You have to also fix friendship and intimacy.
- Communicate and push for connection about trying to get your needs met in the relationship rather than building resentment and betrayal where your substituting for what’s missing in the relationship and magnifying resentment for what you don’t have rather than gratitude for what you do have.
- You will have more sex if it’s positively accepted that it’s ok to say no, while still moving towards wanting to bond in other ways that’ll make connection the focal point. There also needs to be a clear way of saying, ‘yes’ to sex and initiating sex. Know what turns your partner on and off and put effort into creating a love map of your partners erotic world and continue to invest and participate in it.
- In great relationships, the motto of “when you’re hurting baby the world stops and I listen” is adhered to. Really paying attention and being attuned to “taking notes” about what they’re feeling and what their needs are is crucial to keep from a disconnect or neglectful feeling situation from occurring.
- Taking up compassionate mindful meditation. Think about feeling yourself in your body and how to increase how compassionate you are. It moves people away from ruminating on negative things that gets them to withdraw from the world and instead moves them toward engagement with life with curiosity, interest, amusement, and also anger.
- Put your effort and energy into relationships that make you a more kind and generous and compassionate person. Walk towards and invest in the kinds of people that make you more adventurous and playful.
- There is a three times as high success rate for dealing with relational problems when people do preventative work and they try and prevent problems vs waiting for them to come up.
- Conflicts that feel like deal breakers can turn out much of the time to be the greatest potential sources for intimacy as it makes people think about what their position means to them and the history and story behind it all.
—–With your partner(s) have you ever discussed why you have sex? If there were no screens of conditioning to define for us what sex is and why we have it, what would it look like? Is the ultimate goal to achieve ejaculation; is it to be loved? Eastern philosophies bring the light of intelligence into sexuality and call it Tantra. In Western societies, there is no equivalent word as sex is looked upon more in a negative light, mechanical, and unconscious with the intention of ejaculation. As such, it is goal oriented and often unintentionally stressful with expectations of needing to perform and fulfil a certain sex “role.” It is hard to find a partner secure and confident enough to go there. It takes emotional maturity and an ability to be vulnerable and communicative with an act that already is popularly embarrassing and would rather not be talked about, and for most women, might lead to traumatic memories for how men have treated them negatively in a sexual situation. However, if the both of you (or more!) are lucky you’ll dive beyond the ejaculations, work together to get beyond the traumas, and perhaps look beyond the glass ceiling of popular, mainstream, western love and attachment. Get beyond commercialized, Viagra obsessed sex and orgasmic based love. Get beyond not communicating about how to positively enhance sex, love, and connection. Such non-tantric sex is not bad in itself but to stop there after learning about Tantra is extremely limiting for an intimate relationship and what we can experience. Many people don’t know that they don’t know that they are stuck at an adolescent minded level pertaining to sex, love, and connection. The point is to not point fingers or make people think they’re less than as everyone evolves at their own time, but just that the push to become better and attempt time after time is admirable and will lead to good things (not to mention incredibly sexy overall it itself!). Be afraid to go there and then go anyway. Embrace the inner adolescent who would learn if they had a positive influence. Your long run emotional maturation and sexual life will thank you…
—-Unattachment in love is purely the ability to love someone freely. Both people are able to come and go at will, without ever feeling like there is an expectation for a specific set of behaviors or timelines. Communication and expression and holding space and intersecting your empowered life with your partner’s empowered life and moving on from there is the foundation of unattachment love.
In order to truly love someone this way we have to first name and sit with our wounds; our fear of abandonment, rejection and whatever else we have been conditioned, since birth, to expect from a relationship. Once we can do this work for ourselves, it doesn’t suddenly end, but rather becomes easier to navigate unattachment. We understand that our feelings don’t have to do with the other person, but with ourselves.
Unattachment simply means that we are choosing to love in a mindful way.
—-For people to be most helpful to one another, it is important to have travelled their own path with careful diligence and arrived at a state of compassion that gives one knowledge that we are all here to help one another in our own search for our own truth.
How do we become ‘stabilized’ in an ego-free state where we are most receptive to tracking the voyage of another and be in a state of consciousness where transcending one’s own ego boundaries and tapping into the consciousness of another and knowing where they are coming from is more possible?
As individuals learn to sit in a state of total self-acceptance they automatically accept everyone else without reservations. When one holds reservations about another’s acceptability, one automatically rejects the other. What makes this all so difficult is the difference between experiencing phenomena vs only having intellectual beliefs about them. The greatest obstacle to knowing something is to think you know it before you actually have the experience of the phenomenon. Reservations we hold over people in deeming them acceptable are very often coming from thought as opposed to experience.
It is of titanic importance in relationship building to uncover what “agendas” each person has for the other. When we have an agenda for someone it pretty much always means we are not accepting them as they are in present-time state. Regardless of the “realities and niceties and positive intentions” of our agendas, the result is that we are not accepting the individual “as is.”
One of the strongest forces in creating a positive shift in an individual’s experience of themselves is to have them experience being totally accepted by another…