—–The climax of orgasmic sex on the brain is the biggest blast of neurochemicals that you can engineer for yourself. When researchers looked at brain scans of ejaculating people they looked just liked the brain scans of people shooting up heroine. There is something referred to as the “pleasure trap” that gets people in trouble that can be applied here to orgasmic sex. How can we avoid the pleasure trap as the search for constant, new stimulation can easily be a downward spiral for people to easily become addicted to and resentful overall at others for not meeting their impossible pleasure needs?
Our bodies have two programs running. One is the mating program which is all about mating and dopamine seeking and passion filled, orgasm producing and off spring producing and separation with your partner producing. This program allows you more to experience bonding with the experience of orgasm and “getting off.” It is a gene expression to combine with as many other mates immune systems as possible to allow genes the best possibility to survive. The other program taps into neural receptors that allow you to experience bonding with the person as we are one of the few species that have developed the brain capacity for falling in love and pair bonding. Karezza sex taps into that second programing. It includes having lots of intercourse. Mostly gentle intercourse that is not orgasmic goal driven. It includes making love in waves which includes getting aroused and then calming back down. We evolutionary respond to signals that allow us to pair bond and they all evolved from the same signals that keep mammal care givers attached to male infants. In human lovers these slightly altered same signals are often referred to as “attachment cues” and include smiling with eye contact, skin to skin contact, gazing into each other’s eyes, kissing with lips and tongues, holding and spooning each other, wordless sounds of content like “oh and ah” sounds, stroking, hugging, massaging, licking and kissing body parts, gentle intercourse, etc. These kinds of signals deliver a soothing message to the primal brain of the amygdala for lowering our defenses and makes us feel safe, gives us psychological calm, and overall increases love connection and pair bonding.
1/17…..Being Capable of Great Sex
- They say “I love you” everyday and mean it rather than saying it in passing or as a common goodbye parting of sorts.
- They kiss each other spontaneously and passionately for no reason at all (like about a 6 second kiss).
- They give each other surprise romantic gifts and compliments on a regular basis.
- They know what turns their partners on and off erotically. They have a love map of their partners erotic world.
- Their physically affectionate even in public.
- They make it a priority to keep playing and having fun together. Fun can usually be the first thing to go as relationships passively head into the future.
- They cuddle often as cuddle and kissing is the gateway to great sex.
- They make sex a priority (perhaps scheduling it) and not just by default at the end of the day when all else is done and tiredness sets in.
- They stay good friends.
- They can talk comfortably about their sex life.
- They have weekly romantic dates, and the focus of conversation is most often not on day to day tasks or other practical matters.
- They take romantic vacations.
- They turn towards their partners bids or connections (they acknowledge their partner’s communications and respond in an attuned manner to them).
- Having high expectations for going into relationships and expecting to be treated well with love, affection, kindness, generosity will bring about those things. Having less than high expectations will also bring about less than ideal relationships.
- Channeling your anger and resentments in a respectful way is a must. Taking responsibility as the speaker and as the one expressing, for how you come across, is very important. Masters soften the way they start talking about problems and edit themselves. They’re considerate, they’re kind and gentle, they take responsibility for even a small part of the problem, overall paying attention to their partners defensiveness which minimizes it. How the first 3 minutes of a conversation about conflict goes predict with 95% accuracy how the conflict will end up.
- A 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative within a discussion related to conflict. This is how many seconds are dedicated to being nice to each other, being interested, asking questions, being affectionate, empathetic, laughing together, being curious and amused, etc. (positive) to how many seconds they are being hostile, defensive, angry, disappointed and hurt, etc. (negative). When not in conflict that ratio goes up to 20 to 1!
- Except and embrace the differences of your partner but also try to change to become better for yourself and your partner. There needs to be obvious movement in both direction.
- Research proves that partners who were in happy relationships received their partners attempts at connection 85% of the time.
- If only trying to fix conflict in a relationship, the positive changes won’t last. You have to also fix friendship and intimacy.
- Communicate and push for connection about trying to get your needs met in the relationship rather than building resentment and betrayal where your substituting for what’s missing in the relationship and magnifying resentment for what you don’t have rather than gratitude for what you do have.
- You will have more sex if it’s positively accepted that it’s ok to say no, while still moving towards wanting to bond in other ways that’ll make connection the focal point. There also needs to be a clear way of saying, ‘yes’ to sex and initiating sex. Know what turns your partner on and off and put effort into creating a love map of your partners erotic world and continue to invest and participate in it.
- In great relationships, the motto of “when you’re hurting baby the world stops and I listen” is adhered to. Really paying attention and being attuned to “taking notes” about what they’re feeling and what their needs are is crucial to keep from a disconnect or neglectful feeling situation from occurring.
- Taking up compassionate mindful meditation. Think about feeling yourself in your body and how to increase how compassionate you are. It moves people away from ruminating on negative things that gets them to withdraw from the world and instead moves them toward engagement with life with curiosity, interest, amusement, and also anger.
- Put your effort and energy into relationships that make you a more kind and generous and compassionate person. Walk towards and invest in the kinds of people that make you more adventurous and playful.
- There is a three times as high success rate for dealing with relational problems when people do preventative work and they try and prevent problems vs waiting for them to come up.
- Conflicts that feel like deal breakers can turn out much of the time to be the greatest potential sources for intimacy as it makes people think about what their position means to them and the history and story behind it all.
—–With your partner(s) have you ever discussed why you have sex? If there were no screens of conditioning to define for us what sex is and why we have it, what would it look like? Is the ultimate goal to achieve ejaculation; is it to be loved? Eastern philosophies bring the light of intelligence into sexuality and call it Tantra. In Western societies, there is no equivalent word as sex is looked upon more in a negative light, mechanical, and unconscious with the intention of ejaculation. As such, it is goal oriented and often unintentionally stressful with expectations of needing to perform and fulfil a certain sex “role.” It is hard to find a partner secure and confident enough to go there. It takes emotional maturity and an ability to be vulnerable and communicative with an act that already is popularly embarrassing and would rather not be talked about, and for most women, might lead to traumatic memories for how men have treated them negatively in a sexual situation. However, if the both of you (or more!) are lucky you’ll dive beyond the ejaculations, work together to get beyond the traumas, and perhaps look beyond the glass ceiling of popular, mainstream, western love and attachment. Get beyond commercialized, Viagra obsessed sex and orgasmic based love. Get beyond not communicating about how to positively enhance sex, love, and connection. Such non-tantric sex is not bad in itself but to stop there after learning about Tantra is extremely limiting for an intimate relationship and what we can experience. Many people don’t know that they don’t know that they are stuck at an adolescent minded level pertaining to sex, love, and connection. The point is to not point fingers or make people think they’re less than as everyone evolves at their own time, but just that the push to become better and attempt time after time is admirable and will lead to good things (not to mention incredibly sexy overall it itself!). Be afraid to go there and then go anyway. Embrace the inner adolescent who would learn if they had a positive influence. Your long run emotional maturation and sexual life will thank you…